(S+C) x (B+F) / (T-V) = your tax dollars hard at work

* S = overall shape (a ripe peach being just about right)
* C = circularity (rounder is better)
* B = bounciness (less wobble is preferred)
* F = firmness (too much push to that cushion loses points)
* T = skin texture (no cellulite, please)
Then calculate this:
* V = the ratio of one's hips to waist. Finally, do the math.

Here, here and you can bet your bottom dollar investigative reporters are all over this story. I WANT A GRANT!