BREAKING:

"At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested while trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule and a calculator. At a morning conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzolez said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult" Gonzolez said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search for absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator as the axis of me dieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are three sides to every triangle'".

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes." "